5 Mar Virtual Reality for the fear of public speaking

What started in 1997, as an in-house tool only for coaches to use Virtual Reality with clients is now closer than you think for the masses!  Our interactive virtual reality experience is the first of it’s kind and will be available this spring!  It’s not simply a panorama image with static people, but interactive people.  The pro-version will allow a coach to jack-into the matrix if you will and control the avatars to create a more lifelike experience!  To learn more click here!

The video here is from WGBH in Boston.

25 Sep Defensiveness prevents clear communication.

An Excerpt from the best seller: “Mastering Communication At Work”  By Ethan F. Becker, published world-wide by McGraw-Hill

Defensiveness prevents clear communication.  In this chapter you will learn how to recognize your own defensiveness and how to diffuse others.

The First Moment:  Defensiveness

If they are defensive, your message is most likely lost.  Something has caused your listener to feel like you, intentionally or not, are attacking their idea or them.  This emotion will cause them to focus on defending the idea or their character instead of exploring solutions.  They are struggling and it may be your fault.  You may not have set the right expectations.  You may have used a tone that does not match your intended message.  You may not have given them the resources to achieve their goals.  They may just be tired.  Engage their defensiveness and you will make it worse.  If you know how to approach their defensiveness, you can instantly redirect their negative energy—whether fear, doubt, or worry, and help them leave the conversation with your message.

The Trap

They say, “No.”  You say, “Yes.”  They say, “I didn’t know.”  You say, “You should have.”  Maybe you were taught to ask questions as a way of managing effectively, so you say, “How could you not know?”  But the presupposition in this question suggests that they are somehow not smart because they did not know.  While that may not be your intended message, its there and their spine will rise and their eyes will narrow.  If you react to their posturing instead of listening, helping them sit back and reflect on what’s bothering them, they will react as well instead of focusing on the real purpose of your conversation.

If you are in a conversation and you notice someone getting defensive, stop.  Don’t go any further with your point.  Don’t try to make your point in a different way; it will rarely work.  If they are defensive, they aren’t listening.  They have one agenda and that is to deflect whatever they think you are attacking.  You may need to just listen, you may need to ask a question like “What do you need?” or “Help me understand your point of view?”  After the question, stop.  You may have to continue the conversation at another time.  The fact that you take time to process and digest that conversation is validation, and that’s the first step to overcoming their defensiveness.

You can fall for the same trap even when you go into a conversation knowing someone might be defensive.  If you haven’t prepared how you want to approach their emotion, rigid belief, or confusion, they will stay shut down and retreat deeper into themselves.  To help them come to a decision, or understand your point of view without feeling defensive, the format to use is called defensive persuasion.

The Format:  Defensive Persuasion

1. Validate. If they are going to be comfortable, they have to know you value whatever issue is causing their defensiveness, or their opinion—even if you disagree.  Decide how you’re going to validate.  Will it be a head nod?  Listening?  Paraphrasing (see Chapter Five). They can’t open their mind until they know you have heard and understood their point—especially when you completely disagree.  Even in established relationships, you will need to validate.  Not as often, but if they are fired up, the only way to cool them down is to show them you recognize their value or the value of their contribution.
2. Frame. What message do you want them to get.  You have to decide this ahead of time, and that’s why if you run into someone who is defensive and you can’t figure out why and they won’t tell you, you have to pause the conversation.  If you don’t’ know the message you want them to understand, the conversation will still go in circles, and they will stay defensive.
3. Decide your timeline. You may not overcome their emotion in one conversation, and it may take many.  Sometimes you will have to validate for two or three conversations before framing what you need from the other person.  Having done this well, the trust you build will allow you to communicate more immediately next time.

Ethan is a Senior Speech Coaching Partner with TSIC and is currently on a long term assignment with the iclif Leadership and Governance center in Malaysia where he is working on his Doctoral Studies in Industry and Organizational psychology and conducting research on the topic of Leadership Communication from a global perspective.  He may be reached at [email protected]

4 Aug Rebels Rap for Peace – The Power of Symbols

By Dr. Dennis Becker, Principal & Senior Coaching Partner

Last week I was on vacation in Martha’s Vineyard , along with sixteen other family members.  It’s an annual thing.  We plan it a year in advance and all commit to it.  It’s great..  During the week, two separate  conversations  gave me pause to wonder about how we are interpreting symbols these days.  By symbols I mean those non-verbal , non-audio signs on everything from bill boards and busses to pants and purses .  TV, newspapers and magazines  are inundated with them.  Two  particular symbols come to mind.  What do you think?

1.    I happened into a conversation with some young folks while we all enjoyed ice cream.  It was a most enjoyable conversation .  That is , until I asked one question of a beautiful little girl sitting next to me.  She was eight years old.  She was adorned in all the usual impressionable eight year old fashion requirements. Those included a variety of items with peace symbols on them.  So, I asked her what that symbol meant.  She proceeded to tell me with unabashed confidence that it meant fun, friends, being comfortable, being cool, “and stuff like that”.  Curiously,  I got essentially the same response from a group of teenage girls, also enjoying ice cream,  sitting on an adjoining bench, and also  regaled with peace signs.

2.   Early one morning , as I braved the cold of the Atlantic along Inkwell Beach,  I  came across a young man,  17ish.    As we shivered together and shared tales of the sea creatures,  I asked the inevitable question ,”so where do you go to school?”

He told me the name of the school and proudly announced, ‘home of the Rebels!”

I asked  what the team and school logo was.  He said it was the rebel flag.  “Do you know what the rebel flag stands for?”, I asked.  “Pride in your school and your team”, he replied with some bravado.   “But, do you know what the rebel flag stands for,  what is is the symbol of”,  I persisted.  What followed was a sad commentary on the fact that although he had knowledge of the rebel flag as being a symbol of the old South,  he put the emphasis on  “old South”.  To him it was merely a symbol of his school and team.  That “other stuff”  didn’t have any relationship to these days and his school and team.  Nobody really cared about “that other stuff” any more.

These two particular incidents certainly made me wonder about how many other symbols we might have in contemporary society  that are being misconstrued.  For instance,  we see Rock stars, politicians, wen business people flashing the two fingered  V   shape on TV , street corners, and business offices every day.  Does it still have the same emotional attachments it had in the 60’s?  Does it still divide the hawks and doves?  I don’t think so.

Music is no exception.  We were among the first companies to get an 800 phone number.  We were able to get 1-800LETS RAP.  Catchy in those days.  A real challenge now.  We get so many phone calls from potential  “Rap stars”  who want  us to publish their  “songs”.

One of the most upsetting re-interpretations of a symbol was a recent production attended of the classic Broadway musical HAIR.  It had its origin the late 60’s when the war between those in favor of the Vietnam war and those opposed to it caused regular clashes.  A definite symbol of many who were opposed to it was the growth of long hair.  The Beatles had something to do with this too, I’m sure.  HAIR depicted  soldiers with guns at the ready being confronted by “Hippies” with long hair placing flowers into the rifles of the soldiers while singing and reciting “love not war” mantras.  Unfortunately, the production of HAIR which I attended recently,depicted the same scene with the  “hippies” throwing the flowers at the soldiers and shouting “love not war” in angry tones and daring postures.  It was a total misunderstanding of the message of  HAIR, let alone that era….”Hair like Jesus wore it…”   Remember that line?

So, it behooves us to be careful of how we use symbols and how we simply accept that the same symbol changes it’s meaning…OR NOT…with the passage of time.  It further behooves us to help younger generations clearly understand the hurt that can be inflicted due to a lack of knowing how that symbol  originated may be perceived by others.  I am very glad that I extended my conversations with that little girl and that teenage boy to the point where they thanked me and vowed to spread the accuracy of the symbol.  I hope I didn’t come across as too pedantic, but I believe in the words of St. Francis of Assisi who said,   “It is no good to walk somewhere to teach unless we teach as we walk”.

Symbols are very much a part of how we communicate .  When you see one being used in a questionable manner,  i invite you to ask about it.  The answers you get may be somewhat  upsetting.  That’s why the ice cream is so important.

27 Jan Styles and Smiles: Brown’s Victory in Massachusetts

By Monica Murphy, Senior Coaching Partner and Ethan Becker, Senior Coaching Partner

As Speech Coaches, we look at how the art of communication persuades a voter. Have you thought about how communication style impacts a voter’s perception? By style we mean: how someone comes across to their listeners. Forget about the healthcare, balance of power in the white house, and messaging for a moment….Let’s look at the communication reasons why some Massachusetts voters eagerly checked the box next to Scott Brown on the ballot. Simply said, wrong style, not enough smile.

In Massachusetts in 2010, Martha Coakley did anything but come across as conversational and approachable on the campaign trail. Instead she came across as arrogant and elitist. Now wait a minute, we’re not saying Martha Coakley is arrogant and elitist, as a speech coaches, we’re more selective with our language than that, she “came across” that way. And in some circles, that will be ok, it will translate into confidence. In the job of an Attorney General, this serves a purpose. But when it’s a political female candidate, and your competition is already shouting from the rooftops, “Liberal arrogant elitist”… and then you “sound that way”, it solidifies the perception.

What do we mean by sound that way?

Often when Coakely spoke in public, her tone and inflection did not match the message. This does not indicate if she was sincere or not, it simply projects the impression that she is not, Remember, it’s all about perception.

Add to that, it’s been our experience at the firm that women have a more difficult time projecting a consistent confident, authoritative and approachable style. The attempts are often seen as arrogant or condescending. There must be a strong use of Pathos, emotional appeal, as well. One woman who is perceived as succeeding in creating an approachable, even charismatic style is Michelle Obama, what strikes you about her? Yes… it is her Style and Smile…

What could Coakley have done more of?

-Incorporate more nonverbal communication such as more smiling and larger gestures. –
-Use language that evokes more emotion
-Vary the tone and inflection in her voice to project a more approachable and sincere style

These are very specific mannerisms that many speakers need to learn, even in business.

Brown’s Style and Smiles…

Brown came across as comfortable, confident and down to earth. Why? Well, keep in mind, he did not need to influence voters in North Carolina, only in New England. The single most identifiable verbal trait of a New Englander is to drop the “r”. “Pahk ya cah in hahvad yahd.” Brown has a keen skill to turn this on and off in a way that has him described as articulate!

Brown’s use of nonverbal communication was very effective. Often seen with a smile or an engaged look, he appeared conversational and approachable. Now add some strategic placement of issues and messaging and you have a formula for success.

Any candidate who is running for office should look carefully at the way he or she speaks. This is not about pretending to be someone your not. It’s about knowing your listeners.

The short version from these professional speech coaches who live in Massachusetts: Coakley’s communication style simply came across as flat and even offensive to many. Brown’s communication style came across as charismatic, articulate and approachable. Brown’s style and smile made it easy for people to create a Massachusetts Miracle.