When there’s a consistent communication disconnect between you and someone on your team, no matter who reports to whom, there’s a good chance that threat and defensiveness are at play. Often, it’s not even conscious.
Competition and negative reinforcement can drive short-term performance, but long-term success depends on opening communication channels.
Start by asking yourself: What about me might be threatening to this person? The answer can be surprising.
Maybe they admire you yet feel intimidated by your abilities.
Maybe you speak too quickly… jump through too many technical details… or come across as too brief in conversation. Even small patterns can create unintended tension.
Once you have an idea, make a small adjustment.
Slow your speaking rate, pause longer before responding.
For example: briefly explain why a request matters.
Sometimes it’s as simple as softening your tone, offering a smile, or acknowledging their point before moving forward.
These subtle cues build psychological safety. When they notice your effort, they’ll appreciate it, even if it’s a bit awkward.
Then, take it one step further: validate them by first observing closely what they emphasize when making decisions and noting details they care about. Listen for repeated themes, ask clarifying questions if needed, and reflect back what you notice. Next, find one small, consistent thing they do (especially something others probably overlook) and express genuine appreciation for it, making your validation specific and authentic.
It might be as simple as how they organize their notes, the way they prepare a meeting space, or even the kind of paperclips they always use. Recognition of that detail makes them feel seen. And here’s the bonus: every time they repeat that behavior, they’ll feel a quiet neurochemical echo of that validation.
This isn’t just easing tension—it’s building trust.
